Turning Over A New Leaf

First off, i haven't blogged in so LONG && i don't really know why i haven't but he here we go now. Second thing is I miss school so much right now. I know it's a bit weird that I'm saying this because while i was in school i would always say i can't wait to be out. But now its different because it's college and i know so many who are in school and if they aren't in school they're working. Me on the other hand, I'm doing neither. Couldn't go to school because i didn't have the money to pay for since i lost my fin.aid (which was my fault in the first place) and I'm not not working because no one wants to hire me. I did have a job for a week though. But i mean, I'm a 19 year old young women, i don't want to be sitting in a room on a phone trying to get people to do a survey. If I'm going to be working i need to be up on my feet moving around having face-to-face interactions with people outside my co-workers. And that job wasn't paying enough for what they wanted us to do anyway. Hopefully, i will get a job soon so i can start something new. Right now i just feel like I'm doing nothing but taking up space in the world. Even thought that really isn't true because in all actuality i do a lot. I clean our apartment, I take care of my niece while her mother is at work, i cook, and whenever something needs to be done I'm the one that does it. i just want to be doing something for MYSELF. I want to make my OWN money, have my OWN apartment, pay my OWN bills and have all the nice things to show for it. Don't get me wrong i don't really need all the nice things, i never had it before and i don't need it no. I'm thankful and blessed for what i do have but i just want them because i feel i deserve them. my mind wanders so much through out the day, all i do is think of ways that i could accomplish so much more in my life. The first thing i need to take care is the money because without it i can't really do much. For some reason i can't seem to get a JOB. I've apply to so many place's I've lost count and only a few people set up an interview with me but i never got a call back. hopefully sometime soon i will FINALLY get a job so i can save my money up for school. Which brings me to another problem. Since i lost my fin.aid and I'm broke i can't go to school which sucks. and i don't really have to man options for school right now anyway. i wont to go back to UNLV but it cost way to much right now and i can't go to CSN because ima run into to many problems with the fin.aid info so it would be a lot easier to go back to UNLV. Going back their has other problems to; it's to expensive, and i guess i owe them money for some odd reason which means my records are on hold so i can't do to much. I want to just wait it out and just take the rest of the school year off and try to work but then again I miss school way to much to do that. Also, I'm thinking about leaving Vegas for awhile. I don't know where i want to go for sure just yet but i do know where ever it is I'll be in school for sure. My top options are Georgia and California. Sometimes i just feel like saying for get it and just move out of state somewhere and start COMPLETELY OVER. I really don't know what to do. It scares me sometimes then i get to feeling like I'm dumb, stupid and never going to make anything of myself and it makes me want to cry. The worst thing is it's hard to talk about this with anyone. I want to so bad but when the opportunity knocks i don't answer. I pray to God that i figure something out because if not I'm afraid I'm going to become some crazy depressed person and lose everyone i love...... :( i just don't know anymore.

-R.Woods

p.s. i promise the next post won't be so depressing